Today is one of those days when I repeatedly catch myself thinking, "I can't do this.", "I hate this.", "Everyone needs to shut up", and "Why bother cleaning up the milk again?". It is a day where my personal space is not the standard three feet, but three hundred feet. It is a day when the one crumb that has fallen on the just-swept floor appears to be three loaves of bread and the sweet singing of my six year old roars in my ears. It is a day where I have sincerely considered hiding in my closet.
In other words, I am overwhelmed. Not by what I have to do, or how many children I have, but because I am out of balance. One part of my life has overwhelmed the others. My 'Mommy' self has smothered my other selves. There has not been time dedicated to the nourishment of all of who I am, and this has been compounded by lack of rest time. As a family we have had too much variation in our days and no real weekends to rest. We have skipped quiet time, rearranged school too much, and generally not adhered to our schedule. I have had about two straight weeks where I've not been alone at all. I suppose I was for a second when I attempted to hide and check e-mail, but this is not a restorative, re-fuel- the- soul kind of alone.
So how do I restore the balance? I think it starts with what I am desperately craving, and that is time alone. I would love one hour of quiet solitude. Just to reflect. And sit. And do nothing. Time like that does so much for me. I often find afterward that I have a whole new perspective, feel totally renewed, and have solved problems without even trying. It's funny because having that time is something that I had thought would just sort of 'happen'. Of course, it does not. I mean really, does anything other than play, love, and a mess just happen when you have children? No. Not in my world at least. I guess alone time has to be planned, put on the calendar, and made a priority. Oh I have a whole list of other things I'd like to do to restore the balance: purge the junk in my home, clean the whole house, organize our photos, do any of the creative projects that hang out in my mind. But for now, alone time is a good start, and planning it is something I can do. And that is certainly preferable to moving into my closet.